"The eternal God is your dwelling place, and underneath are the everlasting arms." Deut.33:27
I don't WANT this. I don't LIKE this.
I don't want to be here. I don't want to be this.
Some days I feel like a toddler pushing and struggling to get away from a too-tight embrace. I'm smothering under the lesson He is teaching me in this moment.
Let me go, set me down and I'll run far, far away before I turn around and look to see if You are following.
If you've ever tried to cart a three-year old anywhere they did not expressly wish to go, you've already got the mental picture here. The child suddenly weighs 50 more pounds, flails like a bouncy castle full of rivaling football players, and shows the approximate flexibility of a greased Slinky. The wailing would cause any discerning listener to assume accidental amputation of a limb or two. It's not a pretty sight. And logic proves completely useless in that moment of pitted war between parent and child.
That's the sort of panicky conversation in my head right now. This situation is not what I thought, not what I signed up for. I'm not going to put up with it a second longer.
I'm kicking against the walls of Your will for me.
I was following You willingly, but this place You're brought me to is uncomfortable, suffocating, scary. All-consuming. Way too sensory. I'm going to kick and scream and throw a fit until You let me go. Leaning on the Everlasting Arms? Not likely!
Obviously, I have not matured beyond the three-year-old stage of the Christian walk. I want to be more mature, a good example, humbly instruct-able. A sadder but wiser girl for Thee. But really, Lord, the lesson has gone on long enough. How many more minutes in the embrace when I feel about to explode?
I know in my head the Arms have drawn me closely for my own protection. And for a long while I rested safely there, quietly content to renew and gratefully regain strength.
But now, my toddler-self is thinking: anywhere but here!
Psalm 73:28 says, "the nearness of God is my good..." but I convince myself that the longed-for embrace is a prison, that the clasp is tighter and more restrictive than necessary. I doubt the goodness of the Being to Whom those Arms belong. I doubt the strength of the Arms to hold me for as long as I need holding.
I'm going to be the first person God's ever dropped. I just know it.
So many things are being boiled right down to their essence, for me, right now in this moment. Everything is being taken apart, examined, found wanting or worthy. This, too, comes down to the final common denominator. Is God Who He claims to be?
Is He, indeed, working things together for best? Romans 8:28
Is He, indeed, in control of all situations? 1 Timothy 6:15
Is He, indeed, good and without fault in His ways? Psalm 119:68
The tender care and pitying compassion Jehovah shows for His over-wrought child calms me and quiets my heart. My willful tantrum is over, swept away by the Word and the Spirit showing me what I must believe to be true, because I know Whom I have believed.
Faithful God, our Father! Every morning Your mercies rain down upon a dry and thirsty land, constantly refreshing and renewing Your children. Help us see past the emotion and fatigue to observe You working and marvel at Your mysterious, unsearchable ways. For those who are weak, there is no greater rest than Your embrace. For those who weep, no Hand wipes the tears more tenderly. What a privilege to call you Father, to crawl upon your lap and pour out our grief and inadequacy, to confess our most frightening thoughts and our heaviest burdens. Help us run at every opportunity to the Everlasting Arms. May the rest of Psalm 73:28 be our testimony: "The nearness of God is my good; I have made the Lord GOD my refuge, That I may tell of all Your works." Amen.