this, too, is from God's good hand

I never learn.

I tend to live my life in overdrive. I don't just give 110%, I give 1,010%. I see everything that needs doing and I figure I am the best one for the job. Work-a-holic? I left that title in the dust, and then some.

Panic attacks are such a FUNNY punchline... until they happen to you.

Three and a half years ago I had what is quaintly termed a "nervous breakdown." After years of being the one thing I could count on, my body conked out on me. No amount of coffee could make up for the cold sweats, the anxiety attacks, the total lack of sleep. It's called adrenal fatigue, and left untreated, it can kill you.

The breakdown pulled me up short, exposed not only terribly my precarious health but also an underneath of breath-takingly audacious pride. A despising of weakness as I relied on my exhausted body to push through one more thing, speak at one more event, pull off one more banquet, give one last drop. A lifetime of internalizing my role as the pastor's daughter, the pastor's wife's right-hand girl, of deeply-seated pride that would rival the most arrogant Pharisee that ever walked planet Earth.

It's hard to describe that that felt like to experience. He brought me to the basement of myself, ripped out my moorings and left me with nowhere to look but up in supplication.

I got better. I started taking supplements We changed churches, to a larger one where I could sit in a pew for a while and marvel at the wood, hay and stubble that had been the previous 17 years of service. Scales fallen from my eyes, every song made me cry. I felt like a newborn.

Everything I had counted on was ashes. Everything but Jesus.

But I'm a real slow learner.

And so here I am again, back in the basement and looking up.I put a bandaid on myself three years ago, and this spring it fell off. Surprise, surprise. I had stopped taking the supplements as soon as I started to feel better. I didn't cut back on speaking engagements, instead increasing my audience size and number of commitments. I didn't stop using coffee as a crutch, made no real changes to my business, no significant progress on my health routine. Didn't deal with the sexual assault nightmares that recently resurfaced. Wouldn't allow myself to acknowledge the mental stress of having two kids with special needs. Put my fingers in my ears when loving friends began to look at me in alarm and question my frenetic pace.

Remember how I said my goal this year was to concentrate on Micah 6:8 and nothing more? do justly, love mercy, walk humbly?

This is the humbly part.

Adrenal fatigue is no joke. Imagine total sleeplessness-- but constant exhaustion; feeling "wired" but unable to get going in the mornings without increasingly ineffective doses of caffeine; a brain fog so profound you are unable to make even the smallest decisions and are totally zombified mid-afternoon; out-of-context anxiety and panic attacks for no reason at all; add in racing thoughts, racing blood pressure, racing heart. Towards the end stages the body can no longer make cortisol and has run out of the material with which to make hormones, with horrific consequences on monthly cycles and mood stability. Iron levels tank from blood loss, the body cannot fight off the smallest infection, skin conditions from A-Z develop. Depression sets in as life is completely different from it used to be and you never EVER feel "good" anymore. Hopeless thoughts creep in. And that's just stages 1-3. The final two stages are too grim to discuss. 

I will get better. And you'd better believe, this time I'll be taking it more seriously than I ever dreamed. Instead of four supplements sitting unswallowed in bottles on the counter I'm on daily doses of over twenty different things to help heal and counteract the destruction my negligence has wreaked. I've jettisoned everything from the schedule that wasn't bolted down, and I know in my heart I have more to let go before this is finished. People will be inconvenienced, things will be left undone, my business will take a backseat, but I no longer have a choice.

I have to sacrifice this moment for the sake of the rest of my moments. But the prognosis is good. Recovery is possible. It just takes time.

I'm taking that crazy go-getter-ness, that incredible inner drive that was a gift from God, and using it to fuel my determination to get those pills down every day. To put on the Sketchers and get out there even if I'm only up to walking around the block and I wind up laid out on my own porch for a half hour afterward. To measure out my coffee and take another tablespoon out every day until it's basically water and I no longer get a migraine when I miss it. That drive will fuel my study as I look up the medical terms, read the health books, educate myself on where I am and how I got here. The go-getter in me is already imagining a finish line, and I'm crossing it in victory, healthy and happy and finally, finally not defeated by this anymore. 

God gave me that drive. My good God gave me these gifts and abilities knowing that I would turn them into the biggest idol of them all--my self.

And in mercy and love colored by absolute justness and holy jealousy, He pulls the idol out of my clenched hands every time.

He can be my only god. There is none else beside.

It is a hard thing, one of the hardest, to be brought to the bottom of oneself. But this, too, is from God's good hand. He knew what I would do with His gift of drive and determination, and He also knew I would need it to come back from the place where I have gone.

Both of those things came from the hand of an only-good God. And so there is no other option but to trust.

And this time, learn the lesson.

God Who Sees Me, hear my prayer. From the ends of the earth, from the bottom of my basement, I cry unto you. Leave me here as long as it takes to destroy this idol. If ruined health is what I need to fix my eyes on You, then don't take away this thorn from my flesh. If this is the only way I can fall on my face in true humility before the throne of holiness, then help me accept it from Your only-good hand. I cast the outcome at the foot of the cross. Help me rest--really rest--in You and You alone.

Comments

[Janet Higerd]

Oh wow! Lyssa - what a struggle you are dealing with - remember God is good all the time! & to give it all over to Him! I struggled with this several years ago when my kids were still younger - some people lose weight, but not me I put on quite a bit that I am now having to deal with - it is coming off slowly & my blood pressure has come down to normal range - our bodies do a good job of helping us cope within limits but can't handle it all on their own - women have a hard time giving up certain things because we think it what we should be doing or should be in charge of - we have to realize that we don't have to do it all. Bless you & hope that things get better for you - "God's Got This!"
Janet

[Carolyn Susi]

I loved this in particular:
"I have to sacrifice this moment for the sake of the rest of my moments"
I commend you for recognizing this and taking action. Godspeed.

[Carol Senn Ruffin]

Thank you for your transparency, Lyssa! Love, hugs, and prayers coming your way!

[Brenda B.]

Do you have any idea how much I love you, dear friend? Your willingness to lay yourself bare will help more people in more ways than you will ever dream. It's hard to admit we're not perfect. But it's also so very, very necessary. Thank you for showing me that it can be done, with grace and humility.

If you ever need a friend, you know I'm just minutes away. I'd love to sit and drink water with you and just listen to you pour your heart out, or just talk about whatever silly things come to our ridiculous minds.

I love you, and I pray for you every single day.

[CJ]

God be with you.......

[Jill Lancett]

Be kind to your self, be gentle with your self, be understanding to your self. You sound like a strong and determined soul and I'm sure that when you have re-gathered your strength you will reclaim your life. Best of good wishes to you...

[Jan Hoyt]

thinking about and praying for you, my friend....especially as you "dial down" the number of tsps of grounds you put in your coffee every day! Cyber hugs!! Jan

[Marlene Salvato]

Many years ago after the death of my Father I suffered panic attacks - they are debilitating. I couldn't even leave my house...I would just sit home & cry. At that time they really didn't have a label for panic attacks so it took me years until it was understood and diagnosed. I was finally taken off coffee & other caffeine put on medication and learned to say "no" because I couldn 't say yes. Before longI got my life back and haven't looked back since. Just take card of yourself, do what you have to do and you will not only survive - you'll thrive.

[Kristine John]

You already have an inkling of how much I needed to read this today. Your heart, your words, your voice, laid out before God first, are godly nudges for my own heart and my own life. Don't doubt your voice will echo in the hearts of many...❤️ Thank you for opening your heart...and your mouth today. You are literally changing lives with this post today...as you honor God, He, in turn, truly will make beauty from these ashes.

[Faith Gaspar]

Sending you Love and Prayers, packed in Hugs... Thank You for sharing... You are not alone on this Recovery Trail... check out "Brave Girls" with Melody Ross... a quote from the Brave Girl Symposium I just attended.. "In this moment, just do the next Right thing..."

From my heart, Faith

[Gina Newell]

Thank you for sharing. Your gift of writing is exceptional. You have inspired a lot of us by your example. Much love and best wishes to you, dear friend. You will find what you need.

[Katie Graham]

Thank you for your transparency --- which reveals your honesty with yourself! I had no idea your struggles were this hard. I also am trying to strengthen my adrenals --- its not easy! You can count on my regular prayers for you. And, since our time zones are very different, I'll be part way through my day by the time you are starting yours, so you can be assured that I am praying for you before you even start your day!

[Ruth Brown]

Sending love to you, Lyssa. One step at a time.

[Cynthia McQueen]

Love yourself, heal and let others help you for awhile. It's all a journey, embrace the pause of life and breathe. You'll get through this and we'll be here when you resurface with open arms. Blessings and peace to you.

[Kenna M.]

Lyssa- I'll be praying for you as you invest in working towards healing. Too often we push ourselves too hard and our focus of taking care of ourselves gets shelved and leaves us dehydrated of sleep and nutrition which are truly vital to our own survival. I have struggled with this hard lesson too! It sounds like you have a good strategy to work towards making improvements. Like others have said, "one day/step at a time" while you let go & let God work, while doing your part as well.

[Gale S.]

Thank you for sharing. I have always admired you. You can get through this. You have a good head on your shoulders and a wonderful heart to be willing to share your struggle to help others. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

[Dixie]

Thank you for your courageous willingness to share about your "Dark Night of the Soul." Praying that waves of His mercy and grace and love will wash over you during this time.

[Shareene Fellmeth]

The struggle is real. Mental health issues are no different than any other medical concern! God is in this and He is your strength! Your humility and transparency are a challenge to me. Sounds like you're on the right path to recovery!

[Shareene Fellmeth]

Panic attacks are an awful response to physical exhaustion and also mental fatigue. You are doing the right thing by educating yourself so you can educate others. Praying for you.